


Admiration

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drabble, Gender Dysphoria, I love my trans kids Im sorry, I wrote this really late at night and Im too tired to care, Im probably going to regret posting this maybe oh well, Lots of it, M/M, Self projection, Trans Character, Trans Eren Yeager, Trans Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, kind of, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 06:12:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11663286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Eren hates being confined in the wrong body and having to keep it mostly secret.  The one person he has to look up to is Levi.





	Admiration

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so I wrote this really late at night (it's 2 in the morning whoop whoop), and it's kind of vent-y because I've been really stressed about going back to school. That said, I go back to school in two weeks, and I still have a lot of work to do before then. I have no clue if I'll be able to continue this. if I do, it'll probably be more of a series of one shots set in this AU rather than a coherent story?? I don't know yet. Even so, it'd be really cool if people read this and gave feedback. Lots of love

There’s only one other trans person Eren knows of, in person. Levi. Just thinking the name out loud in his head makes the boy clench his jaw in an attempt to reclaim his grasp on his sanity. He’s a senior while Eren is only a sophomore. Levi is out at school, and everyone respects him. Or, at the very least, they know well enough he’ll kick their arses if they have anything to say about it. Eren wants to be like Levi. However, he fears his situation is far too different.

Standing in front of his mirror now as he gets ready for school, letting his towel drop to the floor at his too-small feet, Eren feels the anger festering up inside him. He gets angry looking at his body, and then angrier about having something to be angry about. There’s a slight tan line over his breasts from his most recent beach vacation that has yet to fade. It’s as if there’s a permanent bra on his skin as yet another reminder of the faults in his body. He observes the perfect circle of each of his plump breasts, the way his skinny stomach drops straight down to his wide hips, forming the perfect pear shape. Any time he complains about any of it, his family tells him that he has a beautiful body that any other girl would be jealous of. In that situation, he just has to get over it, or at least pretend to, knowing he won’t get any of the sort of consolation he seeks from his parents. It’s unbelievably frustrating.

Eren struggles into a sports bra and a pair of boxers. After putting on a nice tee shirt, he looks at his profile in the mirror. The round shape of his boobs is still uncomfortably prevalent. He feels tears begin to prick the corner of his eyes as the frustration and hate and anger builds up and almost topples over. So much for trying to look good today. Eren discards what he was planning on wearing and instead goes back to his dresser to fish out a pair of black basketball shorts, then over to his closet where he tugs an extra large gray sweatshirt off its hanger. He tugs it on, watching his hair throw a fit in the mirror, and then turning to his side again to look himself over. His boobs are still there. 

Eren desperately wishes for something to punch. Pillows never work for him because pillows don’t hurt back, and he ends up getting more worked up. He looks at his fist and the scab still healing over his middle knuckle, remembering the last time he ended up punching something. It was a tree. He bled a lot, and there had been dirt in the scrapes. The stinging felt good and took his mind off the thoughts that haunted him for a bit. However, the risk of getting caught pulling something like that made it not worth thinking about again. 

Eren clenches his teeth and forces himself to swallow his current anger and settles with hunching over in a last attempt to hide his rounded chest. He grabs his backpack off the floor by his bed and swings it over his shoulder as he makes a quick stop in the bathroom to brush his hair and then heads to the kitchen. He half heartedly puts a single Eggo in the toaster oven. While it toasts, Eren grabs some food from the pantry and shoves it in a random pocket in his backpack to eat if he gets hungry at all throughout the day. The toaster oven dings, and Eren grabs the waffle and shouts to his mom over the sound of her hair dryer that he’s leaving. 

Eren rides his bike to the bus stop, as he does every day, provided he doesn’t accidentally sleep in. Mikasa isn’t here yet, which is a surprise. Eren locks his bike up on a tree. The tree is tempting to punch. He hears his name coming from behind him and sees Mikasa running to meet up with him. She asks him how he’s doing. Eren says he’s fine, even if it’s a lie, and she knows it. It’s not like Eren is going to tell her how frustrated he feels this morning. It happens often, though some days are worse than others. It’s not as if Mikasa doesn’t know about it. She and their friend Armin are the only two who know about him being trans (as well as his hateful parents, though they deny it), and they do a good job of keeping it secret, as much as it kind of makes Eren flinch every time he hears them use female pronouns at school. He’d love to come out to others, but he knows it would somehow find its way back to his parents, and then he’d get in trouble for it again. It’s times like these Eren really wishes he could have another person to talk to. Mikasa and Armin try to understand and offer whatever words of comfort they can think of, but the dysphoria Eren experiences from his body just isn’t something that people who don’t feel it can grasp. Eren’s mind jumps to Levi, and his heart stutters.

“Are you having one of those days, Eren?” Mikasa drags him out of his thoughts.

Eren shifts his feet in place grumpily, wondering if his moods are that obvious to everyone else, too. “What gave it away?” 

“The baggy clothes. Did your dad lash out at you again?”

“No, I would’ve texted you,” Eren says honestly. Gritting his teeth, he clarifies, “It’s just my body again.”

There’s a pause before Mikasa answers. “I’m sorry, Eren.” There isn’t much else she knows to say. Even though she does think about it, she herself isn’t very qualified to help him. “Have you ever considered talking to another transgender person for help? There’s always Levi.”

Eren’s heart beats out of time again. Of course Mikasa can say something like that. She’s on Levi’s level. Both way out of his league. “Oh, the bus is here.” They clamber on, sharing a seat together in the front because the back is always taken up first. “There’s no way I could talk to Levi. He’s, like,” - Eren struggles for the right words, or any at all - “way above me. Socially. Probably academically, too. I can’t just talk to him.”

It’s scary how well Mikasa can read him, figuring out what Eren is feeling long before he can even figure it out for himself. That’s why the small smile that forms on her lips frightens the hell out of him. “I can talk to him for you, if you want. We have the same math class.” Same math class. Of course. Mikasa is a sophomore just the same as Eren, yet she’s already in calculus. 

Even though a part of Eren is screaming oh my god, no, don’t let her do this, Eren has always been more in favor of rash decisions and doesn’t see why he should let this opportunity pass him by. In fact, he can’t see why he hadn’t thought of it sooner. “Sure!”

Mikasa is satisfied with this, once again taking control over the situation. “Great. I have math right before our lunch period anyway, so I can talk to him after class.” 

Soon, the bus pulls into the next stop, and Armin climbs on board. He sits in the same seat as Mikasa and Eren, forcing them to squeeze in. “Hey, guys. Did you finish your German?”

Mikasa opens her mouth to reply but is loudly interrupted by Eren’s “Oh, fuck.” The bus driver glares at him through the mirror, but he’s too busy burying his head in the backpack on his lap. Between home stress, school stress, and self depreciation, sometimes Eren forgets to take care of one. Depression naps, of course, are worked into his daily schedule. 

Armin starts to panic for his friend. He started making sure to ask Eren things like this when Armin began getting more anxious than his friend from listening to his poor excuses to their teachers about his uncompleted work. “Come on, Eren, we have twenty minutes before we get to school!”

“Alright, alright!” Eren lifts his head off his backpack and digs through it for his poor German papers that got shoved messily into his bag with everything else. After finding it, Eren does his best to smooth out the folds in it, and Armin hands him a pen. He thinks a few times about asking for answers, but he knows his friends won’t budge. It’s not honourable or whatever. He won’t learn anything from copying answers. Eren works as diligently as possible, and the other two remain quiet so he can focus. He manages to finish the last question just as the school comes into view. Proudly, Eren hands the pen back to Armin.

“Wow,” the blonde mutters almost sadly, taking his pen back. “That homework took me an hour to complete.” Eren shrugs. Armin is simply a harder worker. 

The first half of the school day drags on slowly. In just about every class, Eren falls asleep watching the clock. One would think he’s always pulling all nighters, but the truth of the matter is that he gets plenty of sleep at home, too. It’s as though he stores all his energy for his short outbursts of anger or whatever intense emotion passes through him. When he gets to German class, which he shares with Armin, he hands his homework in like it’s no big deal. Knowing the truth frustrates him. He wishes Eren would just do his homework at home and actually study instead of somehow making it by on procrastination.

Finally, they get to their lunch hour, the only thing Eren looks forward to all day. It’s the only thing he looks forward to just about any day, actually, but especially so now since Mikasa has to be talking to Levi right now. He and Armin walk together to their usual spot outside and sit down. While the blonde pulls a lunch box out from his backpack, Eren is turning his head this way and that, trying to spot Mikasa. He finally catches her. Oh, fuck. She’s walking with Levi. The guy is much shorter, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t intimidating. Damn, is he intimidating. Mikasa appears to wave goodbye to him. Levi watches her walk towards her friends. He locks eyes with Eren for just a second, smirks even, before turning back in the other direction. That smirk has Eren’s heart leaping out of his chest. 

Mikasa sits down beside them and doesn’t at all fail to notice the look on Eren’s face. “I’d say that went well.”

“What’d he say? What’d you tell him?” 

Armin looks back and forth between them in confusion. No one bothers with an explanation.

“I told him my friend is having issues with gender dysphoria and would like some advice. He wanted to know what gender. I said female to male. He said he’d be happy to give advice, but he’d have to know more about the situation. I told him I didn’t want to say more than I’ve been given permission to, but that I’m sure my friend would love to talk to him,” Mikasa relays, playfulness in her voice. Armin has pieced together most of what is happening at this point.

“What’d he say after that?” Eren asks eagerly, hardly noticing Mikasa’s tone. “Do you really think Levi would talk to me?” Armin still can’t do anything but listen to them going back and forth. Thinking to himself, he decides the name confirms his suspicions.

“He said he would,” Mikasa says in all seriousness. 

Eren looks in the direction Levi disappeared in. “Maybe tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.” Both Mikasa and Armin roll their eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Ended up orphaning this because it has a lot of my emotion behind it, and I don't want certain people tracing it back to me. Thanks for the support!


End file.
